My Parents Forced Me to Write This Blog

We're starting an adventure in homeschooling/unschooling. As part of a language arts program, we've set our nearly 12 year old son up on his own blog. He chose to name it "My Parents Forced Me To Write This Blog" (http://myparentsforcedme.blogspot.com/). This is his first effort. It was very similar to pulling teeth. Hopefully he'll get better at it with time. Enjoy!

Mean Girls

My very dear friend Melinda posted this on Facebook a little while ago. She said I could share. In fact she asked me to share this with as many people as possible. Bullying has to stop. Now. This particular case makes me so especially sad. If you knew Sierra like we do, you'd know that she is a sweet, compassionate, sincere little person who was so looking forward to starting middle school this year that she actually cried when the start of school was delayed by our local emergency in August (Disaster on Our Doorstep). She doesn't deserve to be treated this way, nor does any child. She's a tall, beautiful girl, and I'm thinking the other girls are just jealous. And mean. Really mean. Is it wrong to label eleven and twelve year old girls bitches? Because they are. And they need to stop. Now.


Here's Melinda's post:


I've been silent on this for a while, but it was suggested today that my silence may not be the best thing. Sierra has had a difficult year transitioning to middle school. To compound this, she has been having to contend with bullies. My sweet little girl goes to school every day where she is called a whore, douche bag and worse. They hide her backpack, punch her in the stomach and follow her to the library to torment her at lunch. The school has given me great lip service,but nothing has changed. The problem has only gotten worse. I know what I need to do and am exploring different options at keeping Sierra in a safe environment. Twelve Bridges Middle School has failed to provide my child with a safe environment and quite frankly I don't give a shit about their budget cuts and limited resources.

I told her she needn't worry about the school's budget cuts and their limited resources. They're not protecting her child, and she needs to get her the heck out of there. Our first priority is our children. Always. Long-term bullying is death to a child's self-esteem. In fact, Sierra has already told her mother she doesn't want to leave her school. If she leaves, "they'll just pick on someone else." And they probably will. But that's not Sierra's problem. Sierra deserves to be in a safe environment. Every child does. Sierra and every child needs to feel valued for his or her individual gifts. Every child is special. Every child is precious.

The hatefulness and the meanness needs to stop. It should not be tolerated anywhere in our society, least of all in our schools where children are supposedly being taught to be good citizens. To be a productive part of our society. I think the schools are teaching the wrong lessons.

No Going Back

It's been four days since we pulled Jack out of school. Right now we're in the decompression stage. We're realizing how much stress he's been under in his school environment. Nothing against the school. It's a very good school, and we always felt lucky to be a part of that community. We made some really good friends there and had some fun times together. But we've realized that because of his disability, a lot of Jack's energy has been spent just coping with the environment of school. For a child with ADHD and sensory issues in addition to his autism, it's really hard to hold yourself together in such a structured environment for seven hours a day. For him, it was just too much pressure.

When I was in school, even though I was a good student, it wasn't my favorite place to be. But I tolerated it for the privilege of spending all day in the company of my peers. I was always ready for vacation, but at the end of a long break I would always look forward to seeing my friends again. Jack is a very different kid. Even at the end of summer vacation, after having had nearly three months off, he never wanted to go back to school. 

"Don't you want to see your friends?" I'd ask.

"No. I can see my friends without going to school. School is like being in prison. I hate school."

I don't think we realized how really bad it was for him. Every morning getting him ready for school was so stressful for all of us. He'd tell me how much he hated going to school and how awful it was. I don't blame his teacher or the school. I'm sure there are lots of kids there who are perfectly happy. Just not mine.

Now that we've finally made the decision to keep him home, I don't know why we didn't do this a long time ago. He's so much calmer now. He's not stressed. I'm not stressed by having to fight with him about going to school. We don't have to stress about homework. Learning can be an adventure again and not a chore.

His teacher invited him to come back to school to enjoy one last recess with his friends and to say goodbye. He doesn't want to go, which makes me sad. Just the idea of going back to school--even for a visit--is anathema for him. No class reunions in Jack's future. What's done is done. There's no looking back.

We're looking forward, though, to adventures in homeschooling. There's a whole new world in front of us.

Freedom Academy

We finally did it. After talking about it for months and months--or has it been years?--we finally pulled Jack out of school this week. We're taking the plunge into homeschool. We're not mad at anybody. There was no particular incident that decided us. But after years of hearing your child say he hates school and it's torture for him, when he lies on the floor every morning and cries, "I don't want to go to school. I hate it there. Please don't make me go," it's time to pull the plug. He was in a very good school. It just wasn't the right place for him.

We were hoping he'd be able to finish the school year with his friends. He's been with mostly the same group of friends since kindergarten, some since preschool. We were hoping to see him graduate with his buddies, but it's just not to be. We all feel like we've been beating our heads against a brick wall for years now. It feels so good to finally stop!

Our hope is to establish a kind of free-range schooling style. Now that school is not a brick and mortar environment, learning is everywhere! Going to the store is a field trip! Watching a documentary about bugs is a science lesson. We had a conversation about World War II the other day in the car, and Jack expressed an interest in learning more. Now that he's not in school so much of his day, he's not so resistant to learning something in his "off" time.

The past couple of mornings Jack has been the first one up. No longer worried about having to get ready for school, he looks forward to just being at home. We'll probably put him into a more formal homeschooling program down the road, but for now we're all just decompressing. Taking some time to unwind and think about which way we want to go now that we're able to map our own educational journey.

I'm going to a support group for homeschooling moms tonight. I'm looking forward to meeting some other moms in our area, looking forward to building a new community. It's kind of a bittersweet process. We're all glad to be free, and yet we'll miss his friends from school. We still hope to see them, but it won't be the same now that they won't be together every day.

There's a sense of adventure in our house, though. Charlie was talking to Jack this morning and he said, "You know, Mom and I are a little nervous about this homeschooling thing. It's kind of scary."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "You'll figure it out. Pretty soon you'll be experts!"

What If They Had a Science Fair and Nobody Came?

Shortly after the Christmas holidays, information started coming home from school about the annual Science Fair. The damn Science Fair! Words that clench my stomach and turn my dreams to nightmares. Other parents tell me their kids actually have fun doing their science project and look forward to it. They enjoy spending time thinking about what kind of project they'll do and planning their experiments. Not my kid. Unfortunately, Jack has zero interest in science, science projects and the annual Science Fair. He's not a science kid--aside from computer science--so getting him to do a project for the Science Fair is about as much fun as trying to give a cat a bath.

His school requires all 4th, 5th and 6th graders to participate in the Science Fair every spring. In 4th grade, he and Charlie investigated the freezing times of different substances (water, apple juice, root beer). The biggest revelation of that project was the discovery of root beer slushies. Yum!

Last year I tried to make it interesting by choosing a video game-related subject: "Do Boys and Girls Like the Same Video Games?" He still had very little interest in participating, so I pretty much did most of the work myself.

This year Charlie initially said he would do the science project, but after perusing the first few pages of the 34-page 6th Grade Science Fair Student Handbook for 2012, he decided enough was enough. What's the point of attempting to complete a project that's only going to stress out everybody in the family? What kind of lesson does that teach to anybody? If we as adults were overwhelmed by the whole thing, how does our child feel? We decided we just weren't gonna do it this year. Hell no, we won't go!

After going back and forth with the school, we've come to a compromise. The 504 agreement we set up in August determined that his homework is limited to 20-30 minutes a day maximum, due to his disability. For this reason, the majority of his science project will be done in class, supervised by his teacher (bless her heart!). She's modified the project to suit his interests. He's doing a study of the ergonomics of playing video games: whether you make better scores in different playing positions (sitting in a chair vs. lying on the floor).

Whew! What a relief! I feel like a weight has been lifted off the whole family. Am I alone in this? Surely there must be other parents out there who feel as we do that the whole Science Fair thing is out of control. It's just too much.

Jack & Debbie's Excellent Sly Park Adventure!

Jack and I went to camp this past week. We spent Monday through Friday in the beautiful Sierra foothills at Sly Park Environmental Education & Conference Center with 210 6th graders from two schools: Rocklin Academy and Breen Elementary (also in Rocklin). We came home yesterday afternoon, tired but with some wonderful memories! I'll try to give you just a taste of what we experienced this week.

Day 1: The Adventure Begins

Principal Phil welcomes campers to Sly Park

Soon after arriving on Monday morning, all the kids gathered in the bleachers on the outdoor basketball courts. After welcoming them to Sly Park and explaining some of the rules for the week, the children were sorted into eight cabin groups: Fox, Rattlesnake, Porcupine, Raccoon, Incense Cedar, Black Oak, Douglas Fir and Manzanita. The boys' cabins were all named after animals; the girls' after trees. (I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that.) The adult chaperones had earlier been assigned to cabins, two adults in each cabin. After being dismissed, everyone scattered to settle into our cabins before lunch.

I was in Incense Cedar, along with a mom from the other school whose daughter was attending Sly Park. Melissa and I were responsible for making sure all 25 girls in our cabin got wherever they needed to go safely and relatively on time. We were also in charge of maintaining order in our cabin: making sure everyone took turns in the showers, respected each others' belongings and personal space, got to meals on time, etc.

Monday night was Game Night. Since the weather was still good on Monday, everyone gathered on the outdoor courts again after dinner to play relays and have a tug of war tournament. At this point, Jack had been begging me all day long to take him home. "I hate Sly Park! I want to go home!" The chaos and noise of Game Night was just too much for him. Fortunately, his teacher saw his distress and very kindly pulled him out to sit on a bench off to the side, where it wasn't quite so noisy.

Soon it was time for our late night snack: homemade cookies. Everyone got a nice, big, fresh cookie before heading back to their cabin for the night. Monday night we had snickerdoodles. Sweet dreams, little campers!

9:30 is "Lights Out" every night at Sly Park. The home teachers and Sly Park teachers make the rounds every night to make sure everyone is in bed and quiet. Melissa and I were really happy that our girls were all in bed and quiet when the teachers came around that first night. We were the quietest girls' cabin (Jack's cabin, Rattlesnake, won for the boys) and won the privilege of being the first cabin into breakfast the next morning!


Day 2: Still Whining/Working Me
Tuesday morning we did a short hike down to the canyon to build shelters from natural materials, as if you were lost in the woods and needed to protect yourself from the elements until you were rescued. Jack refused to touch anything or sit down anywhere because, "There could be bugs!" He continued to whine and cry that he wanted to go home.

I'm so miserable and unhappy!

After lunch our group went to Rock Wall Climbing in the gym. Jack did much better than I expected him to. He made it nearly to the top, which is higher than he's ever been before. He's always been afraid of heights.

That's Jack on the left.

Unfortunately, when we said, "Jack, you're doing great! You're almost to the top," he decided he was finished. "I'm done!" he said. "Bring me down!" More tears and whining ensued. At this point, I decided I needed to get away from him for a bit, cause he was really wearing me down. I started to wonder if I was torturing my son by forcing him to endure these activities when he'd rather be at home in his familiar environment (with his video games). I know, I know. He was working me big time, but I hadn't slept well the first night and I was tired, which made everything worse. I was disappointed that he wasn't allowing himself to enjoy his experience with his friends and was worried I might have to take him home.

Since he was already well-supervised, I told his Sly Park teacher, Miss Rebekah, I was going to take a break (with her blessing) and took myself off to the cafeteria for a nice, hot cup of tea. While in the cafe, I ran into Jack's teacher from home and talked to her about my concerns. I told her I might have to switch hiking groups, since my being with Jack was obviously not working out. I called my husband and he also said maybe I needed to separate myself from Jack for his own good--and mine!

After my break, I caught up with our group at the Native American classroom, where Miss Rebekah, taught them about how the Miwok people made fire with sticks. We also saw a teepee built out of cedar bark, which is how the Miwoks made their homes. Jack and his buddy Will got to try to make fire with sticks, but of course Jack was still trying to talk me into going home. On the way back to our cabins, I had a talk with Jack. I told him that unless he stopped with the whining and crying, I was going to have to take myself out of his group, because it made me really sad to have to listen to him being so unhappy all the time. "Do you want me to have to change groups?" I asked him. "No! I want you to be with me!" he said. He agreed to try harder to enjoy himself and stop whining.

After that conversation, we seemed to turn a corner. That night he was looking forward to dinner. He started eating things I'd never seen him eat before, and he was even going back for seconds! After dinner that night, all the campers met in the amphitheater for songs and skits. He went onstage and sang a silly song along with his cabin-mates and seemed to enjoy himself. Later that night we went to the gym for indoor activities. I told him he didn't have to do anything but sit with me, if he was tired or it was too overwhelming. He did sit with me for a bit, but then started running around with a few of his friends from school. He actually seemed to be having fun! Finally!

Day 3: Starting to Enjoy Himself 
The next morning (Wednesday), we did a short hike to the Children's Forest. This time Miss Rebekah had the children blindfold one child, while that child's buddy guided them down the trail. The buddy had to be very careful to keep his or her partner safe, explaining any obstacles in the path while keeping hands on their buddy the entire time. It was a trust-building exercise. Jack and Will were so very sweet together. They've been friends since kindergarten, so they already have a lot of trust between them.

Jack & Will on the Guided/Blindfold Hike

After lunch, our group went on a longer hike to Park Creek. After talking to Miss Rebekah, I decided to bow out of any further long hikes. My knees were starting to give me trouble, and I knew that a long hike up and down hills might result in me having to be rescued by helicopter. I also thought Jack might do better without me, so I sent him off with the other adult group leader and spent the afternoon reading and drinking more hot tea.

About 4:30 I saw the hikers returning. Jack was tired but happy, smeared with red mud (aka Native American face paint). I couldn't believe this was the same boy who would never fingerpaint or allow his face to be painted because he didn't like the way it felt! The same little boy who as a toddler used to go up to strangers in the park and gesture for them to brush the sand off his little hands! The same boy who only the day before refused to touch anything or sit down because he was afraid of bugs! I was thrilled!

My little hiker returns with Native American face paint (mud)

That night after dinner, we had Carnival Night. All the kids got to run around the gym and participate in all kinds of carnival games, including an eating-an-apple-off-a-string competition and face-painting (again, not my kid). I was quite astonished, however, to see Jack actually eating an apple! He never eats fruit at home.

Who are you and what have you done with my son?

After the Carnival, our group went to play Science Jeopardy with Jack's regular Rocklin Academy teacher, Mrs. Chappell. She divided the kids into three groups, and it worked very much like regular Jeopardy, only all the questions were about science. Categories included Water, Animals, Evolution of a Rock, Astronomy, etc. (can't remember them now!). I was amazed at how much these kids knew about science! Had to laugh when the question was "Name two environmental adaptations of a fox," and Jack muttered under his breath, "They slam doors and keep you awake at night!" (Fox was the cabin next door to Jack's. I gather they'd had some trouble settling down the first couple of nights.) What a comedian our boy is!

After we got our cookies that night (a yummy pudding cookie with semi-sweet and white chocolate chips!), we headed down to the giant telescopes that had been set up to look at the stars. The original plan had been to have half of the kids who'd signed up for astronomy night go to telescopes on Wednesday night and the other half on Thursday, but as inclement weather was in the forecast for Thursday, everybody got to go together on Wednesday night. That was 120 or so kids (I may not have remembered the number correctly, but it was a lot!) standing in line to briefly peer through three telescopes. Jack and I went down in the complete darkness to take a quick look at Jupiter and 3 of its 4 moons, the surface of the moon and the galaxy Andromeda, but I had to hurry back to our cabin to be with the girls while my cabin-mate Melissa went to share the experience with her daughter. At least they let the adults take cuts in the line, so it didn't take me long. It was a little odd leaving Jack out there in the dark, but I knew he'd get back to his cabin safely with his buddy Will. He's getting so responsible!

Day 4: It's SNOWING!
Thursday morning was a little colder. We heard there was a storm coming in later. We started to see some high clouds passing over, but the weather held for a few more hours. That morning our group went to Arts & Crafts. Miss Rebekah helped each child silk screen a design onto a shirt they'd brought from home. Jack hadn't shown any interest in picking out a shirt at home, but he seemed happy that I'd brought a plain, white T-shirt for him to silk screen.

Jack & Miss Rebekah silk-screening his shirt

The finished product

 After Arts & Crafts, we moved on to the Planetarium. From the Sly Park web site, "The Starlab planetarium projects the night sky indoors where students learn about constellations, legends from many different cultures, and concepts that help them understand astronomy." From the outside, this $20,000 piece of equipment looks like a big silver blowup bounce house. We crawled through a tunnel to enter the space inside, where Miss Rebekah played reggae music for us while she set everything up. Once inside, we forgot it was still daytime outside as we gazed up at the stars projected on the walls and ceiling. It was fascinating!


That night our campers met in the gym for our songs and skits, since it had started to sprinkle outside. After the meeting, our group left for a night hike through the woods. Miss Rebekah led us through the pitch black and a steady rain, down the same trail we'd traveled the day before on the Blindfold Hike. At first Jack was scared. It was dark. It was wet. There were puddles. We couldn't see very well. But about halfway down the hill, we started to notice some snowflakes mixed with the rain, easy to spot with the flashlights some kids were carrying. He got excited about the snow and forgot to be scared. At the bottom of the hill, we stopped in a  clearing, and Miss Rebekah told us a Native American legend about how a squirrel rescued the sun from the top of a pine tree, got burned in the process and became a bat (short version). At the end of the story, she said, "If you hold out your hand, I'll give each of you a squirrel's eye to eat!" The "squirrel's eye" turned out to be a yummy marshmellow, and all the kids were delighted! On the walk back up, it became even more apparent that it was snowing.


When we got back to the gym, where everyone was reassembling before going for bedtime cookies, there was great excitement over the snow. It was a pretty wet mixture of rain and snow, but some of these kids from the flatlands of the Sacramento Valley have only rarely, if ever, seen snow. Jack had only seen it snow from the inside of the car when we were going to Truckee one time, so everybody was REALLY excited that it was snowing!

Look very closely. Snowflakes!

Everyone was hoping we'd wake up to a couple of inches of snow in the morning (except for the parents who had to drive home in it!). Unfortunately, it was just a brief flurry. Friday morning would dawn cold, but clear.


Day 5: We Say Goodbye to Sly Park
Friday morning, our last morning at Sly Park, we packed up and prepared to leave for home. The girls in our cabin were sad to leave their new friends, but since they all go to school in the same town, they can easily keep in touch when they return home. Some of them will be going to the same middle and high schools.

Jack was just happy to be heading home to our dogs, Cookie and Buddy, and his video games. Just one last hike, one more lunch, a group picture and we were off back down the hill toward home. Heading back up toward the freeway, we did see quite a bit more snow. It had snowed a little heavier up the hill than it did at Sly Park. Our drive home was uneventful. We were back home by 2:15. Everyone was happy to see us, especially Cookie and Buddy, who nearly wiggled themselves to pieces with delight! It was good to be back at home again.

Sly Park was a wonderful adventure. I'm so glad we were able to share it together. I wasn't so sure we'd make it for a while there. The professional, fully credentialed teaching staff was fabulous, especially our wonderful, patient and kind group teacher, Miss Rebekah. Principal Phil was great. The food prepared by the cheerful kitchen staff was delicious (thank you Connie, Carol, Pam, Barbara and Tammi!). I saw Jack eat things I never thought he'd eat (chicken tacos, cheese enchiladas) and was delighted to see him go back for seconds on more than one occasion. I guess the hiking made him hungry, and we all looked forward to our meals with great pleasure. I weighed him this morning after we got home, and my extremely picky, skinny boy actually gained 4 pounds at Sly Park! Awesome!

It was a wonderful adventure and we'll always remember our time at Sly Park. A time we were so blessed to share with each other and all of our friends!

Packing up to leave.

We're Going to Science Camp!

Next week Jack's 6th grade class is going to Sly Park Environmental Education & Conference Center for a whole week of outdoor study. I'm going along as an adult chaperone. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be going. Seriously! A lot of people would think a week at science camp with a bunch of wild 6th graders doesn't sound like much of a vacation, but I'm so looking forward to it!

They didn't do this program when I was in school (back in the dark ages, you know), so I'll be experiencing the program for the first time along with Jack. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with him and his buddies, even though I'll be bunking with the girls all week (heated cabins and hot showers--yay!). Jack is still at an age where he doesn't really mind his mom being around. With his issues in particular, I think it will be a comfort to have me nearby in case he feels overwhelmed by the unfamiliar surroundings. I'll also be handy should there be any questions regarding his medications or behaviors. This is a golden window of opportunity for me to share this adventure with him. In a couple of years, he'll be a teenager and may decide that Mom's not so cool anymore.

He's also very lucky that he's been at the same school since kindergarten. Because it's a high performing charter school with a great reputation, there's a long waiting list for admittance. People don't tend to come and go much at his school, since it's so tough to get into (lottery system), so he's pretty much been with the same group of kids for the last six plus years. Some he's known since preschool. They have a lot of history together, so they're used to each other and more accepting of each other's personality quirks. There's not a lot of teasing or bullying that goes on, for which we're deeply grateful. He might not have had that experience at another school.

My biggest concern about him being away from home for a whole week has been his food issues. He's an extremely picky eater. Recently he's shown some interest in trying some new things and discovering he likes them (hello, Chick Fil A chicken sandwich and Fiber One Brownies). I'm hoping he'll be hungry enough at camp that he'll try some new things and won't starve to death in five days. I also hear the food there is very good. Gonna have to restrain myself!

I did call and speak to the camp nutritionist this morning about his soy milk. She was very kind and reassured me that he'll have a place to keep his milk and will be able to access it on his own, as needed. We just need to introduce ourselves when we arrive.

My hubby Charlie is taking off from work next week to keep an eye on Gramma while I'm gone. She's 88 and needs some help with things. I'll be educating him over the next few days about all the stuff I usually take care of when I'm home. Things like how to turn the heat on and off, how to operate the gas fireplace, how to switch Gramma's TV over to the DVD player and back again. It's a little bit hard for me, cause I'm used to being in charge around here, used to being the one everybody comes to when they need something. I'm making a list for him of things he needs to get done each day, writing down important phone numbers and will have her medications all organized for the week.

Whew! It's a lot of work getting ready to be away, but I do appreciate his willingness to take over and give me a few days away. He's a good cook and not afraid to take care of things like cleaning up, washing dishes and doing laundry, although I've spoiled him a little over the past few years. He works hard for Jack and me, so I try to keep things going here at home as much as possible.

Not sure if I'll have access to a computer next week (or the time to write!), but I may try to post a picture or two of the area (have to respect the privacy of the campers, so may not have any of them I can share). I'm sure I'll have lots to tell you when I get back from camp!

Life is Good: Feeling Fallish

We seem to have successfully survived another horrifically hot Sacramento Valley summer and are heading into Fall. Life is good. We had one little rain storm last week and are looking forward to cooler weather. Haven't had to use the AC in over a week. Woo hoo! I'm looking forward to that lower electric bill, too.

Got the Halloween decorations out today (finally) and got them up. Light-up Jack-o-Lanterns? Check! Scarecrow on the front porch? Check! Halloween countdown calendars up? Check! We're set.

Jack's not so much into Halloween. He's not really interested in dressing up anymore (insert sad face emoticon), doesn't really care about eating the candy (Daddy and I usually take care of that for him) and he's really not into the scary stuff. He refuses to have anything to do with anything spooky. Doesn't like things that jump out at him in the dark; doesn't want any part of the haunted houses. I understand that. Kids on the spectrum do not like surprises or anything unexpected.

I love this time of year. A sense of anticipation is in the air. It's more than just the change of the seasons. I feel like October is just a warm-up for the holiday season: the most wonderful time of the year! (You can thank me for getting that Andy Williams song stuck in your head for the rest of the day.) As soon as Halloween's behind us, Thanksgiving is right around the corner (more food!) and then Christmas. Holiday decorations, festive food (always me with the food), Christmas carols, the whole shebang. When I was growing up, Christmas wasn't about the presents, although that was a big part of the excitement. It was more about being together, warm and safe with the people we loved. Watching holiday specials on TV, eating cookies and popcorn (again with the food!). I'm hoping Jack will have those happy memories of having been safe and loved as a child when he's all grown and starting holiday traditions with his own family.

At the end of this month, Jack's going away for a whole week to Science Camp with his 6th grade class. Because of all his medications, his food issues and his behavioral quirks, I asked to be allowed to accompany him as one of the parent chaperones. Charlie is taking time off from work to look after Gramma. I can't believe how excited I am to be going away for a whole week! I haven't been away for a whole week since 1997! Seriously. I'm thrilled. Life is good.

The 504 Meeting: Every Child's Right to an Education

We had our first 504* meeting of the school year yesterday. In August! Yay! Jack started school two weeks ago, and normally they like to wait a few weeks for a new teacher to get to know the student, but I really pushed for a meeting as early as possible so we could establish some ground rules before things have the chance to go downhill. Better to get some agreements in place early, than having to do damage control later.

Charlie and I spent a lot of the summer reading and preparing for the school year, deciding which issues were most important to address this year. PE will continue along the same path we established last year: he'll participate in everything he's able to, but the PE teacher will allow him to be a coach or her helper during any activities which are too competitive (ie. liable to provoke meltdown-inducing frustration). Aside from PE, our biggest issue is with the dreaded H-word: homework!

Almost exactly a month ago, I read this fabulous article by Elise Ronan, posted on the Special Education Advisor web site: Homework for Children with a Disability. Referring to any child with Autism Spectrum Disorder or ADHD, Ronan says,

"After keeping it together all day in a very challenging environment the child then comes home to hours of extra work . . .

"They walk in the door and absolutely let loose. It can be a fit about anything. It's not really the object of their ire but rather the releasing of all that pent up tension that they have felt all day." 

I like to use the expression "Lightbulb Moment." Reading this article was one of those, maybe even a giant Spotlight Moment, with a dash of thunder and lightening thrown in for effect. This explains the tears, the tantrums, the whining! From the moment Jack gets into the car at the end of the day, he's already stressing about how much homework he has to do. "I'll never get it done! I'll be working on it for hours! Mrs. X is torturing me!"

As much as I try to convince him that it'll be okay--we'll look at it and figure out what needs to be done, I'm certainly not going to make him do homework till midnight and no, Mrs. X is not determined to torture him--he's simply overwhelmed by the thought of having to do more schoolwork after having been in class for seven hours already, as well as by the volume of work required. The policy at Jack's school is 10 minutes of homework per grade level. This year he's in 6th grade and expected to be able to complete 60 minutes of homework per night. There's the problem. He's just not.

After having talked to Jack's doctor about the homework issue at his last appointment, I sent him an email and asked for his support before going to our 504 meeting yesterday. He very kindly sent this response:

"I am in support of a modified homework plan for Jack based  on his disabilities of Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD.  I recommend this be part of the discussion for his IEP. Jack is currently able to complete only 20-30 minutes of homework nightly."

With doctor's note in hand, we went into our meeting yesterday morning. A doctor's note is a very powerful thing to have. I highly recommend it. It's like Kryptonite. After handing over a copy of Dr. M's email, both the Vice Principal (the administrator in charge of children with special needs at our school) and Jack's teacher agreed to negotiate a modified homework schedule for Jack.

As of now, Jack is only required to do half of the assigned math problems (focusing especially on the word problems). We will still do our best to get through his vocabulary and grammar assignments, which are easier for him, but we sit at the computer and read the questions together. He gives me the answers, and I type them up and print them out. Part of what was overwhelming him was the amount of writing required to complete his work. Writing twenty sentences out by hand seems like a lot of work to him. It's so much faster and easier for me to type it for him. He's still learning and coming up with the answer, but he doesn't have to do the tedious (to him), time-consuming writing by hand.

Whew! What a relief for all of us! No more meltdowns. No more tears and tantrums. No more losing my temper with him. He's still learning and completing his coursework, but with much less frustration and stress for everyone. We're hoping this plan will help him to better cope with his assignments and make for a more successful year.

*For those not familiar with Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, it refers to the rights granted by Federal Law to students with disabilities. Section 504 bars discrimination on the basis of a disability and guarantees a child's right to an education, despite their disability.

Meet the Teacher: 6th Grade is A Very Scary Place

For the past several weeks, there's been a dirty word in our house. Every time anyone's mentioned the word "school," Jack fires back, "I hate school! I don't want to talk about school!" Whenever we see a commercial on TV that mentions "Back to School," he wails, "Why does everything have to be about school? I hate school!" As much as we've been trying to reassure him that Mom and Dad are going to do everything we can to make sure he has a good year, he was still insisting he hated school.

Today was "Meet the Teacher" day. We were supposed to be at school between 2:00 and 3:00 to meet his new teacher. I kept trying to build it up as, "Yay! We get to see your new classroom. Meet your new teacher. See your friends!" He wasn't buying any of it. "Why can't you just go without me? You go meet the teacher. I'll meet her at school tomorrow."

This was my cue to begin the lecture I've been honing since first grade, "We need to be positive! It's going to be a great year! You're going to be at the top of the school! 6th grade! It's going to be awesome! You're going to have so much fun!" Nothing. He finally got dressed, brushed his teeth and hair and got in the car like he was going to an execution.

As we got out of the car and were walking onto campus, he was finally able to tell me what was bothering him so much. "Mr. D [one of last year's 6th grade teachers, who's since gone on to another school] said that 6th grade is harder and stricter than 5th grade." Suddenly I got it! He's scared! He's afraid he's not going to be ready for 6th grade.

"Oh, no! That's not true," I assured him. "All the teachers you've had up until now have prepared you for 6th grade. You're ready, along with all your friends. You're so smart! You're going to have a good time this year and you're going to learn so much!"

When we met his teacher, she was very kind and smiling. I told her that Jack was a little worried. "Oh, no!" she said, "you don't need to worry! You're just a kid! Nobody expects you to know everything. That's my job. To teach you. Let me do the worrying!" 

All summer I thought he was resenting going back to school cause he'd rather stay home and play video games (who wouldn't?), but really he was scared. How did I not know that? The thing that makes me angry is that the teacher who told him 6th grade would be hard, thought he was motivating kids. Little did he know he nearly paralyzed ours!

For every child, a new teacher, a new classroom, a new schedule are a challenge. Even more so for a child with autism who struggles with transitions in general. Why on earth was it necessary to add fear into the mix?

I'm just so grateful he was able to tell me that he was afraid, so that I was able to reassure him that everything would be okay. I'm even more grateful that his new teacher was so kind and understanding with him. And she's pretty, too!

Because he's so bright, I sometimes forget that he's special too. I forget my own description of him that I wrote in Love Letter for My Autistic Child:

Sometimes "I won’t" only means "I can’t."

Coming home in the car, he was a totally different child. Chatty. Animated. The weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. I think he's looking forward to the first day now. Maybe 6th grade isn't such a scary place after all!