Angels Among Us

Jack off to summer camp with his buddies

Jack is 15 now. I haven't blogged much in the past couple of years, because he's gotten to that age where he really doesn't like me talking about him. But sometimes I just have to. You know. It's a "Mom Thing."

I'm so proud and happy for how far he's come. Since we took him out of school, he's happy and so much less anxious. We were able to take him off all his prescription meds. He's learning things everyday that I didn't teach him. He built his own computer last summer (with the help and mentoring of one of our homeschool group dads). He knows how to take the cover off and make adjustments to his computer, without help from anyone else. He customized a computer for my brother a few months ago. They bought a "basic" computer, and Jack installed a bigger power supply and a graphics card. He has an amazing sense of humor and makes us laugh all the time.

But the biggest thing that has happened in Jack's life, the one that I'm so grateful for, is that his social skills have grown by leaps and bounds. A friend of his that he's known since he was 7, was here a few weeks ago for a couple of hours. She told her mom afterwards that it was the first time that Jack actually talked to her about something other than video games.

If you've read some of my other blog postings (Autism: Being the Child on the Outside), you may be familiar with the horrible problems we had with the neighborhood children when he was younger. They were not nice to him. As a result, he hasn't played outside in about 6 years. He no longer rides his bike, he doesn't ring the neighbors' doorbells to see if someone can play. He only goes outside if one of us (his dad or me) is with him. Sadly, that's not the childhood I had or envisioned for him.

I give a lot of the credit for his advancement in social skills to the youth program at our church. We got a new Youth Pastor about three years ago. When James first arrived, I told him about our past experiences with the youth group. Jack never felt like he "fit in." The last activity he'd gone to (a Halloween party when he was in 6th grade, about 5 years ago), when I went to pick him up, I was sad to see that he wasn't interacting with the other kids at all. He was so stressed, he was pacing in circles. That was the last youth group activity he went to for a while. And actually, it was the last time he went to church at all for about three years.

But then James showed up. I had a talk with James about Jack. I told him about Jack's special issues, about how he didn't really like to participate in group activities, but he was usually willing to watch. James seemed to understand. 

I asked Jack if he'd like to try going to church again, since we had a new youth pastor and he seemed like a really nice guy. He said he'd try it out. Not only did he enjoy the new youth group, but he actually went to summer camp that year!

Now when Jack walks in at church, everybody greets him with an enthusiastic, "JAAAAACK!!! Jack is here!" There are no cliques. Everyone is accepting of everyone else. Jack looks forward to attending church and Tuesday High School nights. He often reminds me when it's a youth group night and asks me what time we need to leave (no matter how many times we go to the same place at the same time every week, he still needs to ask me what time we will leave).

Back in January, Jack and I went on a trip up to the snow with both the middle school and high school groups. Most youth groups I've known will separate the middle and high school kids, because a lot of times the high school kids (who tend to be bigger than the middle schoolers) will pick on the younger kids. Not this group. I noticed that when the younger kids would come up to say something to the older kids, they would stop and listen to them. And treated them with respect! Awesome!

Somewhere along the way, all the high school kids started sitting together in church, rather than with their families. I often sing with the music team during services, and it always warms my heart to see all the kids lined up in the front row (usually the only place they can all sit together), Jack in the midst of his friends.

When I'm singing, I have to be at church early for rehearsal. On those days, Jack's dad will drop him off shortly before the second service, which is when the high school kids meet. A few months ago, Jack arrived at church and didn't see any of his buddies, so he just sat in a row by himself, while I went on stage to join the music team. I saw some of his friends come into church and sit together on the other side of the sanctuary. Part way through the first song, I saw them all get up and travel en masse around the back of the church and over to where Jack was sitting. I learned later that the Pastor asked them where they were all going. One of the kids said, "Jack is all alone. We have to go sit with Jack." (Sniffle, sob.) What a sweet bunch of kids!

I give all the credit for this great group of kids to James and his wife Kacey. Also his helpers Liz, Danny and Rachel. They all do such a great job loving our kids. I'm sure I'm not the only parent who feels this way. They are truly Angels among us.

Ghost of Christmas Trees Past

We started to put up the Christmas tree this afternoon, our beautiful artificial tree that we've had for the past 6 Christmases (since Jack was in 2nd grade). Besides looking a little beat up from being packed away for 66 of the past 72 months, a couple of sections refused to light this year. One section lit up at first, but then decided to go dark. Charlie and I decided it was time for a new tree.

Poor Jack! He doesn't let go of things easily. You'd think we were giving away an old friend, which we kind of were. "But we've had this tree for so long!" First the chin quivers, then the eyes fill. Poor guy! He's so sensitive.

We told him he could come along and help us pick out a new tree, one with colored lights this time instead of just white ones. Maybe that will take some of the sting out.

If anyone ever tells you that kids with autism have no feelings, they're wrong. Some of them are very, very sensitive. Like our Jack. He's such a tender-hearted boy!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to you and yours!

Diagnosis: Awesome!

At church this morning, our pastor made reference to a couple who had posted a newspaper ad looking for an egg donor to help them conceive a child. Not just any egg donor. They were specifically seeking a "genius" egg donor. Perhaps a student with a 4.0 GPA and near-perfect SAT scores.

As he spoke of the couple looking to conceive the "perfect" child, I was both amused and a little sad for them. As you know, we get what we get and sometimes the child we get is not the child we ever imagined. I always imagined we'd be going to soccer games about now and looking forward to college. But that's not the life God planned for us.

We've been going through the process these last couple of months of FINALLY getting a formal diagnosis for Jack. We had a 5-hour speech and psychological evaluation at Kaiser's ASD Clinic in December, followed by another 2-hour evaluation in January with a physical therapist. Results were what we expected: Jack has ASD. No surprises.

The good news is that now that we have a formal clinical diagnosis, we can start looking for services that are available to us. This week we had an in-home meeting with our regional Service Coordinator. We talked about programs that build social skills, job training and the eventual possiblity of an adult group home.

Our meeting with the Service Coordinator was actually a very encouraging, positive experience. She made me feel that we're doing the right things for our boy and he's perfectly "normal" for a child with Autism. He's a sweet, loving boy, and we're so grateful to have him.

Am I sad about any of this? Maybe a little, but mostly I'm just grateful to have him. Becoming a mom was the deepest desire of my heart for many, many years. He's not anything I ever imagined, but in many ways he's so much more. He's a sweet, loving child and our special gift from God. He's perfect in his own way and we couldn't love him any more than we do.

The couple looking for that "perfect" child is missing the boat. They're missing the wonder and adventure of watching a child overcome obstacles you and I don't even see. Perfect is boring!

My Parents Forced Me to Write This Blog

We're starting an adventure in homeschooling/unschooling. As part of a language arts program, we've set our nearly 12 year old son up on his own blog. He chose to name it "My Parents Forced Me To Write This Blog" (http://myparentsforcedme.blogspot.com/). This is his first effort. It was very similar to pulling teeth. Hopefully he'll get better at it with time. Enjoy!

First You Have to Crack Some Eggs

Jack helped me make brownies today. He'd never really helped me in the kitchen before (not that I actually do that much cooking anyway), so I thought it was time he at least learned how to crack an egg. I helped him with the first egg. Thought if I showed him just how much (how little?) force you actually need to crack an egg he'd get the idea. First egg went great. Second egg: barely tapped it enough to crack it, so when he tried to pull the shell apart, the whole egg went splat on the floor. Much giggling and hilarity ensued. Also gagging. Raw eggs are kind of gross. Especially if you've never handled one before.

Eventually we had two eggs, sans shells, in a small bowl and were able to proceed. I had him pour out the brownie mix (yes, it still qualifies as cooking when you're using a mix!) into a mixing bowl. I let him measure the oil and the tablespoon of water (really? One tablespoon of water? Why bother!). I let him stir a bit, then finished mixing it. He helped me pour the goo into the pan.

"Would you like to lick the bowl?" I asked. That was always my favorite part of baking with my mom. I always wished she would leave a little more to lick in the bowl, rather than baking it all.

Although he tasted a microscopic portion on the end of his finger, my boy is not a bowl-licker. "Ewwwww, gross!" Okay, more for me.

I showed him how to preheat the oven to 325 degrees, and we slid the pan into the oven. "Bake for 12-14 minutes." I set the timer to 13 minutes, thinking I'd be safe splitting the difference. 13 minutes later, the edges were done, but the middle was still pretty runny. Okay, one more minute. Still pretty runny, but I thought maybe they'd get firmer as they cooled. Checked a few minutes later. Still runny.

Back into the oven. Eventually I re-checked the back of the box and discovered I'd misread the instructions. An 8x8 pan requires 55 minutes. I was looking at the brownie cookie recipe. Ugh! Back into the oven. Still waiting. Hope the end result is edible, or Jack will never want to help me cook again.

This homeschooling stuff is great. Not only is Jack learning something new, but I am too! Maybe we should take a cooking class together!

No Place Like Home

It's been almost two months since we pulled Jack out of school, and I have to say he's a very different boy. We've weaned him off two of his medications (what kind of statement is it that you have to medicate a kid to cope with school?), and his appetite has returned to the point that we can't keep him filled up. This is a new experience for me, cause he was always the kid I had to remember to feed. When my friends complained that their kids were always hungry, I'd look at mine and say, "Oh yeah. Haven't offered food in a while. Maybe he should eat."

We've spent the last few weeks decompressing. He sleeps as late as he needs to in the morning (still up before me most mornings), he eats when he's hungry (which is most of the time) and pretty much does what he wants. Yes, he's playing a lot of video games and spending more time on the computer, but everything is learning. His video games have provoked an interest in learning about World War II, so we've watched some shows on the Military Channel about Hitler and D-Day. We've taken walks with the dogs by the creek and seen red-winged blackbirds, herons, egrets, ducks and turtles. Today we saw what seems to be either a beaver dam or an otter lodge, not sure which. I joke with him that we just had science class and PE all at the same time.

He just seems like a happier kid. He talks to us again! Charlie has noticed that Jack will come out and say good morning, where he didn't before. He never used to talk to his dad at all. He was pretty much shut down. We think he was probably depressed.

I have him signed up to start a program in the fall, but for now we're just doing our own thing. "Unschooling." Following our own interests. I've connected with a group of homeschooling moms and we've been on a couple of field trips. We went to the Jelly Belly Factory. We had a park & pizza night. We went to a semi-formal dinner the other night where the kids practiced their manners while enjoying each others' company.

Sundays are a lot calmer in our house. No more dreading going back to school the next day. No more whining and crying about hating school. I wish we'd done this a long time ago.

Mean Girls

My very dear friend Melinda posted this on Facebook a little while ago. She said I could share. In fact she asked me to share this with as many people as possible. Bullying has to stop. Now. This particular case makes me so especially sad. If you knew Sierra like we do, you'd know that she is a sweet, compassionate, sincere little person who was so looking forward to starting middle school this year that she actually cried when the start of school was delayed by our local emergency in August (Disaster on Our Doorstep). She doesn't deserve to be treated this way, nor does any child. She's a tall, beautiful girl, and I'm thinking the other girls are just jealous. And mean. Really mean. Is it wrong to label eleven and twelve year old girls bitches? Because they are. And they need to stop. Now.


Here's Melinda's post:


I've been silent on this for a while, but it was suggested today that my silence may not be the best thing. Sierra has had a difficult year transitioning to middle school. To compound this, she has been having to contend with bullies. My sweet little girl goes to school every day where she is called a whore, douche bag and worse. They hide her backpack, punch her in the stomach and follow her to the library to torment her at lunch. The school has given me great lip service,but nothing has changed. The problem has only gotten worse. I know what I need to do and am exploring different options at keeping Sierra in a safe environment. Twelve Bridges Middle School has failed to provide my child with a safe environment and quite frankly I don't give a shit about their budget cuts and limited resources.

I told her she needn't worry about the school's budget cuts and their limited resources. They're not protecting her child, and she needs to get her the heck out of there. Our first priority is our children. Always. Long-term bullying is death to a child's self-esteem. In fact, Sierra has already told her mother she doesn't want to leave her school. If she leaves, "they'll just pick on someone else." And they probably will. But that's not Sierra's problem. Sierra deserves to be in a safe environment. Every child does. Sierra and every child needs to feel valued for his or her individual gifts. Every child is special. Every child is precious.

The hatefulness and the meanness needs to stop. It should not be tolerated anywhere in our society, least of all in our schools where children are supposedly being taught to be good citizens. To be a productive part of our society. I think the schools are teaching the wrong lessons.

No Going Back

It's been four days since we pulled Jack out of school. Right now we're in the decompression stage. We're realizing how much stress he's been under in his school environment. Nothing against the school. It's a very good school, and we always felt lucky to be a part of that community. We made some really good friends there and had some fun times together. But we've realized that because of his disability, a lot of Jack's energy has been spent just coping with the environment of school. For a child with ADHD and sensory issues in addition to his autism, it's really hard to hold yourself together in such a structured environment for seven hours a day. For him, it was just too much pressure.

When I was in school, even though I was a good student, it wasn't my favorite place to be. But I tolerated it for the privilege of spending all day in the company of my peers. I was always ready for vacation, but at the end of a long break I would always look forward to seeing my friends again. Jack is a very different kid. Even at the end of summer vacation, after having had nearly three months off, he never wanted to go back to school. 

"Don't you want to see your friends?" I'd ask.

"No. I can see my friends without going to school. School is like being in prison. I hate school."

I don't think we realized how really bad it was for him. Every morning getting him ready for school was so stressful for all of us. He'd tell me how much he hated going to school and how awful it was. I don't blame his teacher or the school. I'm sure there are lots of kids there who are perfectly happy. Just not mine.

Now that we've finally made the decision to keep him home, I don't know why we didn't do this a long time ago. He's so much calmer now. He's not stressed. I'm not stressed by having to fight with him about going to school. We don't have to stress about homework. Learning can be an adventure again and not a chore.

His teacher invited him to come back to school to enjoy one last recess with his friends and to say goodbye. He doesn't want to go, which makes me sad. Just the idea of going back to school--even for a visit--is anathema for him. No class reunions in Jack's future. What's done is done. There's no looking back.

We're looking forward, though, to adventures in homeschooling. There's a whole new world in front of us.

Freedom Academy

We finally did it. After talking about it for months and months--or has it been years?--we finally pulled Jack out of school this week. We're taking the plunge into homeschool. We're not mad at anybody. There was no particular incident that decided us. But after years of hearing your child say he hates school and it's torture for him, when he lies on the floor every morning and cries, "I don't want to go to school. I hate it there. Please don't make me go," it's time to pull the plug. He was in a very good school. It just wasn't the right place for him.

We were hoping he'd be able to finish the school year with his friends. He's been with mostly the same group of friends since kindergarten, some since preschool. We were hoping to see him graduate with his buddies, but it's just not to be. We all feel like we've been beating our heads against a brick wall for years now. It feels so good to finally stop!

Our hope is to establish a kind of free-range schooling style. Now that school is not a brick and mortar environment, learning is everywhere! Going to the store is a field trip! Watching a documentary about bugs is a science lesson. We had a conversation about World War II the other day in the car, and Jack expressed an interest in learning more. Now that he's not in school so much of his day, he's not so resistant to learning something in his "off" time.

The past couple of mornings Jack has been the first one up. No longer worried about having to get ready for school, he looks forward to just being at home. We'll probably put him into a more formal homeschooling program down the road, but for now we're all just decompressing. Taking some time to unwind and think about which way we want to go now that we're able to map our own educational journey.

I'm going to a support group for homeschooling moms tonight. I'm looking forward to meeting some other moms in our area, looking forward to building a new community. It's kind of a bittersweet process. We're all glad to be free, and yet we'll miss his friends from school. We still hope to see them, but it won't be the same now that they won't be together every day.

There's a sense of adventure in our house, though. Charlie was talking to Jack this morning and he said, "You know, Mom and I are a little nervous about this homeschooling thing. It's kind of scary."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "You'll figure it out. Pretty soon you'll be experts!"

Loved and Adored

The screensaver on my computer rotates randomly through the photos in my "Pictures" folders. Needless to say, many (most) of these pictures are of Jack. Many times I'll be passing by the laptop or sitting down to do something and be captivated by the photo on the screen. "Awwww, look how cute you were!"

This morning I caught a photo of Jack's first haircut. "Awwww, look how cute you were!"

"Yeah, yeah," groans Jack. "You always say that. Why do you have so many pictures of me when I was a baby?"

"Because you are loved and adored!" I told him.

Loved and adored. It's true. I waited a very long time for my baby. Motherhood was my heart's desire for many, many years before my prayers were finally answered. I was over the moon when I found out our baby was on the way. The morning he was born felt like Christmas in September. No baby was ever more loved, adored or wanted than was our Jack. I could be moved to tears just listening to him breath over the baby monitor. My little miracle boy!

I remember hearing a friend gush about her new baby, "It's like a new love. It's like that new boyfriend that you're just madly in love with and want to spend every minute of every day with. When you're away from him, you miss him and can't wait to get back to him. It's like that." When Jack was born, I knew exactly what she meant.

I used to stare at him in amazement as he slept or played on the floor, marveling that this beautiful little person was ours. I remember being so surprised that the love for your own child could be so different than the love you feel for other people's children: nieces and nephews, your friends' babies. Not that I loved any of them less, but the love I felt for this little person was so overwhelming! I would walk through fire for him. I can't be the only mommy feeling sorry for the other mommies at the playground because their kid wasn't as cute as mine, can I?

My point in telling you all this is not to say that I love my child more than anybody else. I know other parents are reading this who love their amazing children in exactly the same way. I'm so proud to be a part of that community. I just wanted to share this with you so you could nod your head and say, "I know, right?!"*

*Currently Jack's favorite expression. :-)

What If They Had a Science Fair and Nobody Came?

Shortly after the Christmas holidays, information started coming home from school about the annual Science Fair. The damn Science Fair! Words that clench my stomach and turn my dreams to nightmares. Other parents tell me their kids actually have fun doing their science project and look forward to it. They enjoy spending time thinking about what kind of project they'll do and planning their experiments. Not my kid. Unfortunately, Jack has zero interest in science, science projects and the annual Science Fair. He's not a science kid--aside from computer science--so getting him to do a project for the Science Fair is about as much fun as trying to give a cat a bath.

His school requires all 4th, 5th and 6th graders to participate in the Science Fair every spring. In 4th grade, he and Charlie investigated the freezing times of different substances (water, apple juice, root beer). The biggest revelation of that project was the discovery of root beer slushies. Yum!

Last year I tried to make it interesting by choosing a video game-related subject: "Do Boys and Girls Like the Same Video Games?" He still had very little interest in participating, so I pretty much did most of the work myself.

This year Charlie initially said he would do the science project, but after perusing the first few pages of the 34-page 6th Grade Science Fair Student Handbook for 2012, he decided enough was enough. What's the point of attempting to complete a project that's only going to stress out everybody in the family? What kind of lesson does that teach to anybody? If we as adults were overwhelmed by the whole thing, how does our child feel? We decided we just weren't gonna do it this year. Hell no, we won't go!

After going back and forth with the school, we've come to a compromise. The 504 agreement we set up in August determined that his homework is limited to 20-30 minutes a day maximum, due to his disability. For this reason, the majority of his science project will be done in class, supervised by his teacher (bless her heart!). She's modified the project to suit his interests. He's doing a study of the ergonomics of playing video games: whether you make better scores in different playing positions (sitting in a chair vs. lying on the floor).

Whew! What a relief! I feel like a weight has been lifted off the whole family. Am I alone in this? Surely there must be other parents out there who feel as we do that the whole Science Fair thing is out of control. It's just too much.

There Must Be Consequences!

Max Burkholder (Max Braverman on NBC's Parenthood)

I have such a love/hate relationship with the NBC show "Parenthood." On the one hand, I love that they have a character who has Aspergers, and little Max Burkholder, who plays Max Braverman, does a wonderful job portraying the behaviors typical of a child with high-functioning Autism. Someone very much like my Jack. That's why it upsets me so much when they handle storylines so poorly. Even though they go out of their way to write Aspergers into the show, sometimes they seem to forget that Max actually does have Autism. This week was one of those times.


At the start of the episode, the family is preparing for a weekend road trip, and Max is playing a video game. After his mom Kristina tells him several times to turn off the game and Max keeps saying he's almost done, Kristina marches over and snaps off both the television and the gaming system. Anyone who has a child on the spectrum can tell you what happens next. Of course, Max has a giant meltdown, which includes calling his mother a bitch. Hello! Did you forget your child has Autism? Did you expect any other response when you just figuratively slapped him across the face?


But does Max's mother take any ownership of her part in the meltdown and remember her child has Autism? No! She proclaims, "There must be consequences for his behavior!" Max is grounded for calling his mother a bad name and forbidden to go on the family trip. Kristina ends up staying home with him and his infant sister while everyone else goes to Grandma's.


I've been in that exact situation. I once grabbed a Nintendo DS out of Jack's hands because he didn't seem to be listening to me, and I'm here to tell you we both learned a hard lesson that day. The meltdown that ensued was extremely painful and emotional for both of us. He not only called me a bitch, but he told me he hated me and he'd never loved me. He was 9. By the time it was over, we were both crying and upset, but I realized that I was the one who provoked that meltdown. I was the one who threw the switch and sent his brain spiraling out of control.


Kids with Autism have low tolerance for frustration. They don't like transitions. In Max's mind (and Jack's) his mom just destroyed all the progress he'd made in the game he was hyperfocused on, just as effectively as a bomb blowing up in his face. It's too much sensory input and a meltdown ensues.


How can you punish someone for the way their brain works? Would you punish an epileptic for having a seizure when you shine a light in his face? Would you punish a diabetic for going into insulin shock when you forced her to eat sugar? Would you punish a child with dyslexia for not being able to read?


Once again this is the age old assumption that children have "tantrums" due to bad parenting. Very, very hurtful to someone who has a child who has these outbursts. He's not a brat. He has Autism. A little more compassion, a little less judgement. 


Once Jack had calmed down after his meltdown, we hugged and apologized to each other. We both cried. I told him I was sorry that I grabbed his DS out of his hands, and he told me that he was sorry he said all those mean things to me when he was angry. He didn't mean any of those things. He was just so upset he was using his words as weapons.


We don't believe in punishment just for the sake of punishment. Real life has its own consequences. If you say mean words to people in anger, the punishment is watching the person you love cry. Isn't that punishment enough?

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Every year as I'm unpacking the Christmas boxes, I find treasures packed among the tissue paper, like old friends come to visit for the holidays. So many ornaments remind me of the people who gave them to me, friends or coworkers I may not have seen in decades.

The most precious of these, of course, are the ones my son has made with his own little hands. Paper plate Santa faces:

Christmas trees created with tiny fingers dipped in green paint:

Ornaments made from macaroni glued to a paper plate and spray-painted gold:

Some are meticulous copies of an original:

Some reflect a more bohemian style:

Most were made at school:

Others were created at home in a spontaneous outburst of holiday enthusiasm:

All of them are so precious. They remind me how fast he's growing up. My days of macaroni Christmas ornaments are behind me. I probably won't get anymore gifts made of handprints. But all of these ornaments are a living memory of my little boy. Every year when I take them out of the boxes, I remember how little he was when these treasures were made. How proud he was to bring them home and hang them on our tree.

All are a reminder that the best gift I've ever received is my precious boy. Happy holidays to you and yours!

Autism's Amazing Power of Self-Focus

Some animals eat their young. And I think I know why. They're probably sleep deprived because their little ones won't let them sleep.

Charlie's been working some late nights lately. It's really hard on him, cause he's not a night person. He doesn't have as much energy as he used to. When we were first dating, we could both work all day and afterwards go to dinner and a movie. These days I'm in my pajamas as soon as the sun goes down. We're normally in bed by 10:00 pm. Might watch the news for a few minutes, but I'm usually out by 10:30. I have to get up early to get Jack off to school. There is no sleeping late in this house. Jack won't allow it.

He's gotten pretty good about falling to sleep in his own room most nights. We have a whole bedtime routine we follow: bath, snack, reading, teeth, bed. The flannel sheets and pre-warmed bed (I turn on the electric blanket when he gets in the shower) make his bed all cozy and sleep-inducing. A small dose of doctor-prescribed Melatonine helps, too. But sometime during the night all this coziness wears off, and then he's awake.

Usually when he wakes in the night, he just stumbles into our room and crawls into the sleeping bag that's a permanent fixture on our floor. Most nights I'm not even aware of his arrival. I just find him sleeping there in the morning. It's those occasions when he wakes early in the morning and can't get back to sleep that are a problem.

Today was one of those mornings. My sleep was interrupted by lots of rustling sounds from the floor below my bed. "Jack, be quiet! Daddy and I are trying to sleep!" More rustling noises. "If you can't sleep, get up and go play on the computer. But be QUIET!"

"Can I take the dogs out?"

"Just go out and be quiet!"

By this time, Daddy, who didn't get to sleep until after midnight because of his late shift, is awake and not happy about it. "Jack, if you can't be quiet, you're gonna have to sleep in your own room from now on!"

Lots of self-recrimination ensues on Jack's part. "I'm so stupid. I don't deserve breakfast. You should just kill me!" Such a drama queen!

I have to remind myself that his brain works differently. He just doesn't seem able to empathize with the feelings of others. My friend Melinda says he's very "self-focused." That's one way to put it. He'll cry and be upset if he sees animals or children being mistreated on TV, but he doesn't seem to be aware of the feelings of those around him.

One of my favorite shows is "Parenthood" on NBC. They have a character on the show, Max Braverman, who has Aspergers. His behaviors are very similar to Jack's. A few weeks ago they had an episode where Max's parents have promised to take him to a museum, but they end up having to work that day and aren't able to go. Max's sister has to study, so she can't take him. Max, who is about the same age as Jack, decides to go by himself. He ends up getting lost and being returned home in a sheriff's car. Max's sister, Haddie, is the neurotypical sibling who bears the brunt of Max's behaviors and has just had enough. Watch her reaction when Max is returned home to his family: Max Comes Home (Parenthood). He's completely clueless about the worry and anxiety he has caused all of them.

Jack's world pretty much revolves around Jack. I don't think it's so much selfishness as it is self-absorption. He can be very loving and sweet, but he's very focused on his own needs, often to the exclusion of the needs of others. I'm hoping we'll be able to teach him to think of others a little more. I'm just not sure how much his brain will let him. But we'll keep trying.

Changing the World One Recess at a Time

Jack is not exactly an outdoor boy. He would rather be in front of a computer or a video game console than almost anywhere else in the world. That's why I was so surprised that he and his school buddies had taken to playing a game at recess with the unfortunate name of "Butts Up." I don't know all the details, but I understand it involves hitting a big rubber ball against the outdoor wall and then kids doing stuff with the ball. There may have been some throwing of the ball at other children.

For some reason this game became banned by the yard duty ladies in the past couple of weeks. Most likely safety issues were involved. Jack and friends were not pleased. "It's the ONLY thing I like to do at recess," he moaned.

Well, Jack and his buddies have been watching the news. They've seen the Occupy Wall Street protesters on TV. Jack saw the footage of the UC Davis students peacefully protesting yet another tuition hike and getting pepper-sprayed in the face for it (seriously, Channel 13, how many times do we really need to see that horrific footage??? Enough already!). He's heard the stories his dad tells about how people in the 60's protested against the war in Viet Nam. He learned in school about the colonists protesting against British rule (hello, Boston Tea Party!) when they were unhappy about the way things were going. This country was founded on Freedom of Speech and the right to peaceful assembly.

So they did the obvious. They decided to Occupy Recess. Mostly this involved about 10 or so boys and girls chanting, "We want Butts Up! We want Butts Up!" during recess. The yard duty ladies were amused. The Principal and Vice Principal were called in. Phone calls to parents ensued. No law enforcement agencies were involved. No television cameras were on scene to record and replay events endlessly on the late news. No one got pepper-sprayed.

Once the dust settled, the kids were instructed to collaborate on a set of rules agreeable to everyone that would meet school safety rules. If the Principal decides they're acceptable, Butts Up could be reinstated.

An American Civics lesson come to life: when you see something wrong, take action to change it. Our little radical. He makes us proud!

A Week at Home

Jack has been out of school all week for Thanksgiving vacation. I love that he gets the whole week. When I was in school, we only got Thursday and Friday, so if your family was going anywhere you'd have to skip. Not anymore! Some of his friends are in Hawaii this week. Some are at Disneyworld. Not us. We're at home.  Just us and the dogs.

It's been nice though. Charlie was off on Tuesday and Wednesday, so he had a three-day holiday with Thanksgiving Day. (Some holiday! He spent all day yesterday cooking the turkey and helping me clean up!) It was nice to have him home for a few.

Jack and I caught up on doctor's appointments this week. Monday he went to the dentist for a cleaning, where we found out he has a deep overbite (front teeth are banging together when he eats), so we got a referral to the orthodontist. Tuesday morning we went to the ortho, where we found out that he doesn't need braces just yet, but he will need to be fitted for a retainer. Following that was our monthly visit with Dr. M, who wanted to hear all about our trip to Sly Park, since we haven't seen him since before we went.

We did manage to squeeze in a couple of play dates this week with Miss S, but most of our time has been spent at home. Lots of PS3 time this week, which is exactly the way he likes it.

Got him a haircut this morning, but no shopping for me. I've started getting the Christmas decorations down from the garage. Might as well get them up and enjoy them for a while, since it's so much work putting them up and taking them down.

It's been a relaxing, low-key week. I'm thankful that everyone's healthy, that we have a cozy home and enough to eat. Can't really complain about too much. Life is good. Wishing the same for your family as we head into this holiday season.

Something's Funny Behind the Door

I have a folder in my Outlook email called "Jackisms." When Jack was smaller, I would write down the cute things he would say or do and save them in that folder. You forget so much as they get older. I wish there was a place you could save that baby smell. Not that one, the good one. The fresh out of the bath in the clean jammies smell.

When Jack was two, we lived in a very small apartment. Here's a story I recorded for posterity nearly nine years ago. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do re-reading it now:

The second bathroom in our apartment has two doors: one enters from the hallway (of course) and the other leads to Jack's bedroom (or I should say, "playroom" cause he certainly doesn't sleep in there--he prefers the dormitory style sleeping arrangements of Mom and Dad's room). Since we moved in last summer, I have kept the door between that bathroom and his room closed and locked for reasons of space. He has so much stuff in his room (tricycle, jogger, scooter, toy shopping cart, etc.) that we needed the extra wall space afforded by keeping the door closed. Last night he was in the bathroom with me and started asking if we could open the extra door. He was jiggling the handle and saying, "What's this, Mommy?" Suddenly it dawned on me that he had no clue that his bedroom was behind that door. I asked him what he thought was behind the door, and he said, "Blankets?" He thought it was another closet!

So, for the first time in nearly a year, I unlocked the door to the chamber of mystery  (pardon me, I've been reading Harry Potter). He peeked through the door and immediately started giggling, "It's my room!" He thought that was the funniest thing he'd ever seen! He kept going in and out of the door, and even went and dragged Charlie away from the computer. "Daddy, come see what's funny!" He was laughing so hard, he could barely stand up.

This morning when we got up, he was still at it. "Daddy, come see what's funny!" Who knew that opening one small door could be such a huge source of delight and entertainment? It just goes to show that you never know what surprising things you'll find if you have the courage to open the door and find out what's on the other side.

Jack & Debbie's Excellent Sly Park Adventure!

Jack and I went to camp this past week. We spent Monday through Friday in the beautiful Sierra foothills at Sly Park Environmental Education & Conference Center with 210 6th graders from two schools: Rocklin Academy and Breen Elementary (also in Rocklin). We came home yesterday afternoon, tired but with some wonderful memories! I'll try to give you just a taste of what we experienced this week.

Day 1: The Adventure Begins

Principal Phil welcomes campers to Sly Park

Soon after arriving on Monday morning, all the kids gathered in the bleachers on the outdoor basketball courts. After welcoming them to Sly Park and explaining some of the rules for the week, the children were sorted into eight cabin groups: Fox, Rattlesnake, Porcupine, Raccoon, Incense Cedar, Black Oak, Douglas Fir and Manzanita. The boys' cabins were all named after animals; the girls' after trees. (I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that.) The adult chaperones had earlier been assigned to cabins, two adults in each cabin. After being dismissed, everyone scattered to settle into our cabins before lunch.

I was in Incense Cedar, along with a mom from the other school whose daughter was attending Sly Park. Melissa and I were responsible for making sure all 25 girls in our cabin got wherever they needed to go safely and relatively on time. We were also in charge of maintaining order in our cabin: making sure everyone took turns in the showers, respected each others' belongings and personal space, got to meals on time, etc.

Monday night was Game Night. Since the weather was still good on Monday, everyone gathered on the outdoor courts again after dinner to play relays and have a tug of war tournament. At this point, Jack had been begging me all day long to take him home. "I hate Sly Park! I want to go home!" The chaos and noise of Game Night was just too much for him. Fortunately, his teacher saw his distress and very kindly pulled him out to sit on a bench off to the side, where it wasn't quite so noisy.

Soon it was time for our late night snack: homemade cookies. Everyone got a nice, big, fresh cookie before heading back to their cabin for the night. Monday night we had snickerdoodles. Sweet dreams, little campers!

9:30 is "Lights Out" every night at Sly Park. The home teachers and Sly Park teachers make the rounds every night to make sure everyone is in bed and quiet. Melissa and I were really happy that our girls were all in bed and quiet when the teachers came around that first night. We were the quietest girls' cabin (Jack's cabin, Rattlesnake, won for the boys) and won the privilege of being the first cabin into breakfast the next morning!


Day 2: Still Whining/Working Me
Tuesday morning we did a short hike down to the canyon to build shelters from natural materials, as if you were lost in the woods and needed to protect yourself from the elements until you were rescued. Jack refused to touch anything or sit down anywhere because, "There could be bugs!" He continued to whine and cry that he wanted to go home.

I'm so miserable and unhappy!

After lunch our group went to Rock Wall Climbing in the gym. Jack did much better than I expected him to. He made it nearly to the top, which is higher than he's ever been before. He's always been afraid of heights.

That's Jack on the left.

Unfortunately, when we said, "Jack, you're doing great! You're almost to the top," he decided he was finished. "I'm done!" he said. "Bring me down!" More tears and whining ensued. At this point, I decided I needed to get away from him for a bit, cause he was really wearing me down. I started to wonder if I was torturing my son by forcing him to endure these activities when he'd rather be at home in his familiar environment (with his video games). I know, I know. He was working me big time, but I hadn't slept well the first night and I was tired, which made everything worse. I was disappointed that he wasn't allowing himself to enjoy his experience with his friends and was worried I might have to take him home.

Since he was already well-supervised, I told his Sly Park teacher, Miss Rebekah, I was going to take a break (with her blessing) and took myself off to the cafeteria for a nice, hot cup of tea. While in the cafe, I ran into Jack's teacher from home and talked to her about my concerns. I told her I might have to switch hiking groups, since my being with Jack was obviously not working out. I called my husband and he also said maybe I needed to separate myself from Jack for his own good--and mine!

After my break, I caught up with our group at the Native American classroom, where Miss Rebekah, taught them about how the Miwok people made fire with sticks. We also saw a teepee built out of cedar bark, which is how the Miwoks made their homes. Jack and his buddy Will got to try to make fire with sticks, but of course Jack was still trying to talk me into going home. On the way back to our cabins, I had a talk with Jack. I told him that unless he stopped with the whining and crying, I was going to have to take myself out of his group, because it made me really sad to have to listen to him being so unhappy all the time. "Do you want me to have to change groups?" I asked him. "No! I want you to be with me!" he said. He agreed to try harder to enjoy himself and stop whining.

After that conversation, we seemed to turn a corner. That night he was looking forward to dinner. He started eating things I'd never seen him eat before, and he was even going back for seconds! After dinner that night, all the campers met in the amphitheater for songs and skits. He went onstage and sang a silly song along with his cabin-mates and seemed to enjoy himself. Later that night we went to the gym for indoor activities. I told him he didn't have to do anything but sit with me, if he was tired or it was too overwhelming. He did sit with me for a bit, but then started running around with a few of his friends from school. He actually seemed to be having fun! Finally!

Day 3: Starting to Enjoy Himself 
The next morning (Wednesday), we did a short hike to the Children's Forest. This time Miss Rebekah had the children blindfold one child, while that child's buddy guided them down the trail. The buddy had to be very careful to keep his or her partner safe, explaining any obstacles in the path while keeping hands on their buddy the entire time. It was a trust-building exercise. Jack and Will were so very sweet together. They've been friends since kindergarten, so they already have a lot of trust between them.

Jack & Will on the Guided/Blindfold Hike

After lunch, our group went on a longer hike to Park Creek. After talking to Miss Rebekah, I decided to bow out of any further long hikes. My knees were starting to give me trouble, and I knew that a long hike up and down hills might result in me having to be rescued by helicopter. I also thought Jack might do better without me, so I sent him off with the other adult group leader and spent the afternoon reading and drinking more hot tea.

About 4:30 I saw the hikers returning. Jack was tired but happy, smeared with red mud (aka Native American face paint). I couldn't believe this was the same boy who would never fingerpaint or allow his face to be painted because he didn't like the way it felt! The same little boy who as a toddler used to go up to strangers in the park and gesture for them to brush the sand off his little hands! The same boy who only the day before refused to touch anything or sit down because he was afraid of bugs! I was thrilled!

My little hiker returns with Native American face paint (mud)

That night after dinner, we had Carnival Night. All the kids got to run around the gym and participate in all kinds of carnival games, including an eating-an-apple-off-a-string competition and face-painting (again, not my kid). I was quite astonished, however, to see Jack actually eating an apple! He never eats fruit at home.

Who are you and what have you done with my son?

After the Carnival, our group went to play Science Jeopardy with Jack's regular Rocklin Academy teacher, Mrs. Chappell. She divided the kids into three groups, and it worked very much like regular Jeopardy, only all the questions were about science. Categories included Water, Animals, Evolution of a Rock, Astronomy, etc. (can't remember them now!). I was amazed at how much these kids knew about science! Had to laugh when the question was "Name two environmental adaptations of a fox," and Jack muttered under his breath, "They slam doors and keep you awake at night!" (Fox was the cabin next door to Jack's. I gather they'd had some trouble settling down the first couple of nights.) What a comedian our boy is!

After we got our cookies that night (a yummy pudding cookie with semi-sweet and white chocolate chips!), we headed down to the giant telescopes that had been set up to look at the stars. The original plan had been to have half of the kids who'd signed up for astronomy night go to telescopes on Wednesday night and the other half on Thursday, but as inclement weather was in the forecast for Thursday, everybody got to go together on Wednesday night. That was 120 or so kids (I may not have remembered the number correctly, but it was a lot!) standing in line to briefly peer through three telescopes. Jack and I went down in the complete darkness to take a quick look at Jupiter and 3 of its 4 moons, the surface of the moon and the galaxy Andromeda, but I had to hurry back to our cabin to be with the girls while my cabin-mate Melissa went to share the experience with her daughter. At least they let the adults take cuts in the line, so it didn't take me long. It was a little odd leaving Jack out there in the dark, but I knew he'd get back to his cabin safely with his buddy Will. He's getting so responsible!

Day 4: It's SNOWING!
Thursday morning was a little colder. We heard there was a storm coming in later. We started to see some high clouds passing over, but the weather held for a few more hours. That morning our group went to Arts & Crafts. Miss Rebekah helped each child silk screen a design onto a shirt they'd brought from home. Jack hadn't shown any interest in picking out a shirt at home, but he seemed happy that I'd brought a plain, white T-shirt for him to silk screen.

Jack & Miss Rebekah silk-screening his shirt

The finished product

 After Arts & Crafts, we moved on to the Planetarium. From the Sly Park web site, "The Starlab planetarium projects the night sky indoors where students learn about constellations, legends from many different cultures, and concepts that help them understand astronomy." From the outside, this $20,000 piece of equipment looks like a big silver blowup bounce house. We crawled through a tunnel to enter the space inside, where Miss Rebekah played reggae music for us while she set everything up. Once inside, we forgot it was still daytime outside as we gazed up at the stars projected on the walls and ceiling. It was fascinating!


That night our campers met in the gym for our songs and skits, since it had started to sprinkle outside. After the meeting, our group left for a night hike through the woods. Miss Rebekah led us through the pitch black and a steady rain, down the same trail we'd traveled the day before on the Blindfold Hike. At first Jack was scared. It was dark. It was wet. There were puddles. We couldn't see very well. But about halfway down the hill, we started to notice some snowflakes mixed with the rain, easy to spot with the flashlights some kids were carrying. He got excited about the snow and forgot to be scared. At the bottom of the hill, we stopped in a  clearing, and Miss Rebekah told us a Native American legend about how a squirrel rescued the sun from the top of a pine tree, got burned in the process and became a bat (short version). At the end of the story, she said, "If you hold out your hand, I'll give each of you a squirrel's eye to eat!" The "squirrel's eye" turned out to be a yummy marshmellow, and all the kids were delighted! On the walk back up, it became even more apparent that it was snowing.


When we got back to the gym, where everyone was reassembling before going for bedtime cookies, there was great excitement over the snow. It was a pretty wet mixture of rain and snow, but some of these kids from the flatlands of the Sacramento Valley have only rarely, if ever, seen snow. Jack had only seen it snow from the inside of the car when we were going to Truckee one time, so everybody was REALLY excited that it was snowing!

Look very closely. Snowflakes!

Everyone was hoping we'd wake up to a couple of inches of snow in the morning (except for the parents who had to drive home in it!). Unfortunately, it was just a brief flurry. Friday morning would dawn cold, but clear.


Day 5: We Say Goodbye to Sly Park
Friday morning, our last morning at Sly Park, we packed up and prepared to leave for home. The girls in our cabin were sad to leave their new friends, but since they all go to school in the same town, they can easily keep in touch when they return home. Some of them will be going to the same middle and high schools.

Jack was just happy to be heading home to our dogs, Cookie and Buddy, and his video games. Just one last hike, one more lunch, a group picture and we were off back down the hill toward home. Heading back up toward the freeway, we did see quite a bit more snow. It had snowed a little heavier up the hill than it did at Sly Park. Our drive home was uneventful. We were back home by 2:15. Everyone was happy to see us, especially Cookie and Buddy, who nearly wiggled themselves to pieces with delight! It was good to be back at home again.

Sly Park was a wonderful adventure. I'm so glad we were able to share it together. I wasn't so sure we'd make it for a while there. The professional, fully credentialed teaching staff was fabulous, especially our wonderful, patient and kind group teacher, Miss Rebekah. Principal Phil was great. The food prepared by the cheerful kitchen staff was delicious (thank you Connie, Carol, Pam, Barbara and Tammi!). I saw Jack eat things I never thought he'd eat (chicken tacos, cheese enchiladas) and was delighted to see him go back for seconds on more than one occasion. I guess the hiking made him hungry, and we all looked forward to our meals with great pleasure. I weighed him this morning after we got home, and my extremely picky, skinny boy actually gained 4 pounds at Sly Park! Awesome!

It was a wonderful adventure and we'll always remember our time at Sly Park. A time we were so blessed to share with each other and all of our friends!

Packing up to leave.

We're Going to Science Camp!

Next week Jack's 6th grade class is going to Sly Park Environmental Education & Conference Center for a whole week of outdoor study. I'm going along as an adult chaperone. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be going. Seriously! A lot of people would think a week at science camp with a bunch of wild 6th graders doesn't sound like much of a vacation, but I'm so looking forward to it!

They didn't do this program when I was in school (back in the dark ages, you know), so I'll be experiencing the program for the first time along with Jack. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with him and his buddies, even though I'll be bunking with the girls all week (heated cabins and hot showers--yay!). Jack is still at an age where he doesn't really mind his mom being around. With his issues in particular, I think it will be a comfort to have me nearby in case he feels overwhelmed by the unfamiliar surroundings. I'll also be handy should there be any questions regarding his medications or behaviors. This is a golden window of opportunity for me to share this adventure with him. In a couple of years, he'll be a teenager and may decide that Mom's not so cool anymore.

He's also very lucky that he's been at the same school since kindergarten. Because it's a high performing charter school with a great reputation, there's a long waiting list for admittance. People don't tend to come and go much at his school, since it's so tough to get into (lottery system), so he's pretty much been with the same group of kids for the last six plus years. Some he's known since preschool. They have a lot of history together, so they're used to each other and more accepting of each other's personality quirks. There's not a lot of teasing or bullying that goes on, for which we're deeply grateful. He might not have had that experience at another school.

My biggest concern about him being away from home for a whole week has been his food issues. He's an extremely picky eater. Recently he's shown some interest in trying some new things and discovering he likes them (hello, Chick Fil A chicken sandwich and Fiber One Brownies). I'm hoping he'll be hungry enough at camp that he'll try some new things and won't starve to death in five days. I also hear the food there is very good. Gonna have to restrain myself!

I did call and speak to the camp nutritionist this morning about his soy milk. She was very kind and reassured me that he'll have a place to keep his milk and will be able to access it on his own, as needed. We just need to introduce ourselves when we arrive.

My hubby Charlie is taking off from work next week to keep an eye on Gramma while I'm gone. She's 88 and needs some help with things. I'll be educating him over the next few days about all the stuff I usually take care of when I'm home. Things like how to turn the heat on and off, how to operate the gas fireplace, how to switch Gramma's TV over to the DVD player and back again. It's a little bit hard for me, cause I'm used to being in charge around here, used to being the one everybody comes to when they need something. I'm making a list for him of things he needs to get done each day, writing down important phone numbers and will have her medications all organized for the week.

Whew! It's a lot of work getting ready to be away, but I do appreciate his willingness to take over and give me a few days away. He's a good cook and not afraid to take care of things like cleaning up, washing dishes and doing laundry, although I've spoiled him a little over the past few years. He works hard for Jack and me, so I try to keep things going here at home as much as possible.

Not sure if I'll have access to a computer next week (or the time to write!), but I may try to post a picture or two of the area (have to respect the privacy of the campers, so may not have any of them I can share). I'm sure I'll have lots to tell you when I get back from camp!

Somebody's Hungry!

I think we may be going through a growth spurt. Jack's sleeping well. He falls asleep pretty easily at night and doesn't come into our room to sleep on the floor till the wee hours (one morning lately it was 5:30 before he made his nightly trip from his room to ours). But the most amazing thing in the past few days is that he's eating! I bought a big box of Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies the other day at Sam's Club. Mostly for me. And as they're individually wrapped, I thought they'd keep longer in the pantry and not get dry and stale.

I gave one to Jack to "see if you like this" the other night. He LOVED it! So now he gets one in his lunch for school, but he also asks for them at home. He ASKS for food! Kind of weird. Especially since he's not really a big chocolate guy. The other night he ate THREE of them after dinner! Just now he ate two after his hot dog lunch. Wow! Very unusual behavior for him.

A week from Monday his entire 6th grade class is going to Sly Park, a science camp for elementary kids in the Sierra foothills. One of my biggest concerns about him going away for a whole week has been his issues with food. Maybe he's starting to grow out of it? I'm hopeful that when he's at camp, he'll see the other kids eating everything and be willing to try some new things. I've heard the food there is very good. And I'll be there to keep an eye on him (I'm going along as a parent chaperone).

Having grown up with two boys in the house, I know teenage boys can eat. You have to hurry up and get your fair share before it's gone when there are boys in the house. I just never imagined we'd go through that with Jack. I guess we're in for it now!