The World's Most Sensitive Pallet

Jack went to the doctor today. He's 5'2" and weighs 91 pounds. That's a pound less than he weighed last month. Boy is a stick!

After his appointment, we decided to have lunch out as a family, a rare treat on our budget! I still had a gift card we got for Christmas from Lucille's Smokehouse Barbecue, one of my favorite places. Yum!

Unfortunately, when we ate there on Thanksgiving (which was wonderful! Good food and no cleanup!), he'd had chicken fingers which were kind of bland. Tasteless actually. Somebody forgot to salt them. As a result, he thinks Lucille's is the worst place in the world and never wants to eat there again. (Boy can hold a grudge!)

We coerced him into going there anyway since I had a gift card, but the whining and complaining was never-ending! I think he was enjoying driving me crazy.

He eats very little meat (no BBQ for Jack), so we ordered him some penne pasta with alfredo sauce. I specified that there should be no Parmesan cheese or garnish of any kind. Not even a sprinkle of parsley. When it came, he took one bite and said it tasted "weird." He did eat the carrots and ranch dressing I ordered him as a side, and oh yeah, he ate a biscuit, but that was it. And the whining!!! Did I mention the whining?

Next time we'll leave him at home. He's such a picky eater! When we eat out, he'll only eat pasta with red sauce (smooth only, no chunks!), plain white rice, grilled cheese, pizza (cheese or pepperoni only), plain quesadilla (cheese only!!!) or pancakes. It's really hard to take him anywhere or even to feed him at home.

All his life I've been told I should just "make him eat" what we're eating. I'm told "he'd starve to death at my house," and he probably would. They just don't understand that's the way his brain works.

Do you have a child who's hard to feed? How do you get your child to try new things? (Mine refuses to open his mouth and taste, as if I'd poison my only child!)

Civil War Experience

Sorry I haven't been here in a while. We've been busy with end of the school year activities. So much to do and only two more weeks to do it in!

Yesterday we went on a field trip with Jack's 5th grade class. It was a Civil War Experience at a regional park in our area. I loved it and found it really interesting (I'm a little bit of a history buff). He, of course, was bored. Too bad Mario wasn't involved in the Civil War or he would have been fascinated!

When we got there we were greeted by volunteers in Civil War garb giving us instructions. We went from station to station learning about medical practices of the era, California soldiers who fought in the war, cavalry and sharpshooters, cannons, what the soldiers ate and what people wore. There was a lot of walking involved between stations, but we were fortunate that the weather was cool and sunny, and there was a lot of shade available.

Jack got tired of walking from station to station. When he started in with, "When are we going home? I'm bored!" I had to instate the "no whining" rule. Too much walking for him. Too much standing at each station. He was afraid to sit in the grass, because there might be bugs. One of his buddies who has a bug obsession, actually found a big beetle and was thrilled with it. Jack, of course, was horrified and creeped out!

I learned a long time ago that this is the way it goes on a field trip with Jack. He's rarely interested in what anyone else is interested in. He doesn't see the value in talking about things or people who existed a long time ago. In his mind, it's all just a big waste of time and he'd rather be playing on the computer. I know this is partly just a kid thing, but I look at the other children engaged and asking questions, and sometimes wish he could be a little more like them. But then he wouldn't be the special, wonderful boy he is.

He is who he is. He has his gifts and talents--some of which are extraordinary!--as well as his challenges. But at the end of the day, we love him just the way he is.

Crime and Punishment: Part 1

When Jack was in kindergarten his teacher used a form of discipline known as the "red and green cards." At the end of every day that a child was "good" and behaved well in class, the teacher handed him a green card  as he filed out of the classroom. If he was not good, he got a red card. When a child had accumulated 20 green cards, he or she could trade them in for a toy from the treasure chest.

I don't recall Jack getting a red card in kindergarten. He almost always got a green card, but there was a time or two that he didn't receive a card at all. Usually it would be for not being a good listener or for compulsively mimicking his best little buddy. This is an except from a message I sent to his kindergarten teacher at the time:

I'm really concerned about this obsession Jack has with copying or mimicking. When I'm in the classroom, I notice that he looks at C rather than at whoever is speaking and does whatever C does. When we were coming into school today, C was carrying his Weds. Envelope in his hand, since it doesn't fit in his backpack. Jack immediately had to unzip his backpack and take out his Weds. Envelope, too. Yesterday at the park, we almost had to go home because he was refusing to wear his helmet on his scooter, because C wasn't wearing his helmet (his mom forgot to bring it). 

Looking back I realize that his copying compulsion was a social coping tactic. Not having good social skills himself (we didn't yet know he had autism), he thought he needed to do everything his buddy did.

The couple of times he didn't receive a green card, he was devastated and would sob uncontrollably. Charlie and I both felt the upset he felt over not getting the green card was punishment enough. We would always tell him, "Tomorrow is a new day. You can do better and get a green card tomorrow."

When he entered first grade, the system changed slightly. There was a chart on the wall of the classroom with every child's name and a slot which contained three colored cards: green, yellow and red. Everyone started the day with a green card. If the teacher felt they were misbehaving or not working as they should, a child would be instructed to "go change your card to yellow." They could at some point be changed back to green, but if the behavior got worse, they would have to change the card to red.

One day I had business in his classroom. As I entered the back of the room, three children ran up excitedly to me and reported, "Mrs. K, Jack got a red card!" My heart sank. Even more so when later that evening, my husband said, "Jack, I hear you got a red card today," and Jack's response was to hang his head and whisper, "I hope you still love me." Breaks my heart even now.

Our sweet, bright boy was having difficulties at school. We didn't understand it. We knew there was something not right here, but it would be almost another three years before we would get a diagnosis.

To Sleep, Perhaps to Dream

Sleep issues! Where to begin?

When Jack was a baby, he slept like, well, a baby. He'd wake up every few hours, I'd changed him, feed him and put him back to bed, where he'd usually go right back to sleep. My husband likes to tell people Jack slept through the night right from the get go. Um, no. I was just a very considerate wife who got up with the baby as soon as he made a peep. I knew I could catch a nap later in the day, since I was the stay-at-home. Hubby needed to sleep, since he was off to work in the morning. Slept through the night, my hiney!

Somewhere between his first and second years, the pattern changed. He was still great about taking daytime naps. I could put him down in the afternoon and I'd be good for two or three hours of uninterrupted Mommy time. (I know some of you hate me for this.) But the nighttime pattern started to change.

Somewhere around 18 months, Jack became a very light sleeper. He would go to sleep in his crib, in his own room, but wake somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, say two or three o'clock. Then we would hang out in the living room, trying to be quiet so Daddy could sleep, watching TV mostly. Eventually he would get sleepy and I could put him back in his crib and tippy toe back to my own bed.

It got to the point where we were afraid to go into his room during the night even to check on him. Should he open his eyes and see me, it was all over. No longer was it sleepy time, it was play time!

Around the time he turned two, his periods of nighttime wakefulness became more frequent. I stopped turning on the TV and just tried to encourage him to go back to sleep. Eventually I just let him fall asleep on the living room floor, covered him with a blanket and went back to bed.

Thinking perhaps he'd just outgrown the crib, I thought a "big boy bed" was the answer. We bought him a sweet, little toddler bed. He was delighted with it. But sleep in it? I think not!

Eventually we just threw a crib mattress on the floor next to our bed. This was fine for a while, except for the fact that he would stay up and watch TV with us until we turned off the light. I was sure we had the only two year old in the neighborhood who watched David Letterman.

Once he started preschool, we had to amend this routine. He was still sleeping on the floor next to our bed (on his own little toddler mattress, of course), but I didn't think it was good for him to be up till all hours if he had to be at school at 8:30. Our bedtime routine became, bath, teeth, stories, then me lying on the bed next to him until he fell asleep. This involved many nights of me trying to sneak off the bed, thinking he was asleep, but as soon as he heard the mattress creak, he'd cry out, "Mommy! Don't leave!"

Jack was in the middle of first grade (6 1/2) when we moved to our new house. He had a beautiful new room with a great big bed in it, but was still sleeping on the floor in our room. Shortly before Christmas that year (he was now 7), I asked him, "Don't you think Santa would be proud of you if you slept in your own room?" To my great surprise he actually bought it and did sleep in his room for a period of about six weeks--till the neighbor kids told him about kidnappers and "bad men." Back in our room on the floor again. Sigh.

Here we are over three years later. Jack is now 10 1/2 and in 5th grade. We now have him falling asleep in his own bed, but he still comes into our room when he wakes during the night. For a while there, he would lie awake until Dad and I turned off the TV in the living room (sometimes an hour and a half, from 8:30 to 10:00 pm!) and then "sneak" into our room to sleep on the floor. With the okay of his doctor, he now takes a very small dose (3 mg) of Melatonin to help him fall asleep (I've read that children on the Autism spectrum don't produce the natural Melatonin they need to fall asleep easily). We have a sleeping bag on the floor now instead of a crib mattress. Some nights he doesn't arrive until 3:30 or 4:30. Only once in the past several months have I woken up in the morning to find him sleeping in his own bed. On that occasion he was actually upset that he'd slept through the night in his own bed (change in routine is very difficult for him) and had to go lie in his sleeping bag for a few minutes to regulate himself. Once I heard him come in at 6:30 and get into his sleeping bag, barely in time for the alarm. Sometimes he'll come into our room and lie awake from the time he arrives till it's time to get up. He's just not a good sleeper.

This is all new to me. When I was a kid, it was very rare that I didn't sleep through the night. I remember snuggling in my bed and next thing, POOF! it was morning. I wish Jack could sleep like that, but his brain is just wired differently than mine. Hopefully by the time he's a teenager, he'll be sleeping in his own room. I can't see him wanting to bunk in with Mom and Dad when he's sixteen. And I'm certainly not going off to college with him. Been there, done that.

My Wild & Crazy Guy!

Got this email from Jack's teacher this morning:

I talked with Jack for about 5 minutes this morning about the disruptive comments and noises that are becoming more and more frequent.  I had him observe the class (they were working quietly). Then I had him describe some things that would distract him from learning in this particular situation. He was pretty specific: tapping of pencils, people talking to him, and vibrating the desks. I tried to turn it around: what are some things that you have done that may have been distracting to others? He said making sounds effects and talking out loud. I tried to help him see how his actions are affecting other people. So, we’re working on this. Like I said in our conference, it seems to have become a more apparent behavior within the last couple months. He also seems a little more distractible. I’d love to get your insight and, perhaps, Dr. M’ s insight as well.  

This is the kind of behavior we’ve been seeing at home recently, too. He’s wild. He can’t seem to control himself physically or verbally. Rather than walking through the house, he leaps and dashes and sometimes flings his arms and legs into objects. He makes goofy noises and sound effects. In the mornings when I’m trying to get him ready for school, he makes noises and is uncontrollable, even when I repeatedly remind him that other people in the house (Daddy and Gramma) are still sleeping. He seems incapable of stopping himself, until his dad speaks sternly to him. Then he’ll stop for a few minutes, but start up again before too long. Last night after warning him several times about interrupting me during our reading time (he couldn’t seem to stop wiggling, jerking and making crazy noises), I finally had to stop in the middle of a chapter and tell him to go brush his teeth and get in bed.

We've noticed this behavior more and more in the past couple of months. I don't know if he just has too much energy or if the way he's growing has any affect on his behavior. He takes medication for his ADHD, and according to his doctor, the dosage is right on target for his weight (5'2" and 94 pounds). I talked to a friend of mine about this today, and she thinks this is typical behavior for a boy with ADHD. Anyone else have experiences or suggestions to share?

It's Good to be Home Again!

For those of you wondering, Jack survived the Age of Sail. Just barely (kidding). After a restless night (for me!), listening to the pouring rain and wondering how wet and cold they all were, I finally got the email from the school yesterday morning that the bus carrying our sailors was half an hour away. Got there a few minutes before it pulled in, so I was waiting in the courtyard of the school when he stumbled off the bus, damp and exhausted.

I think he had a good time, but it definitely had its ups and downs. He didn't like the food (expected that). The vegetable stew (beef stew?) was "gross and disgusting." He ate cornbread for dinner.

He said they were kept busy late into the night and when they finally went to bed, he had a tough time going to sleep (I'll bet). Then his crew was awakened at 4:00 am (yuck!!!) to stand watch on deck, in the rain. They were to "watch for pirates" for an hour and forty minutes. Doesn't sound like fun times to me, either. When finally allowed to go back to bed, he was unable to go back to sleep, probably from being so cold and wet. Then the Captain came in at 6:00 yelling, "Get up, you scurvy dogs!" Time for breakfast.

Unfortunately for Jack, he misplaced his galley gear somewhere between dinner and breakfast, so he wasn't allowed to have hot chocolate and coffee cake like everyone else. He said he cried. Luckily, we packed him some food from home (cold cheese pizza, a chewy granola bar, some Ritz crackers), so that's what he had for breakfast. Seems harsh.

I had planned to take him for lunch somewhere when he got back at noon, cause I knew he would be starving. But all he wanted to do was to come home, so he took a hot shower while I made him a grilled cheese sandwich. It's good to be home again!

His dad and I had written him two "letters from home," which were delivered by the Captain at the ship's mail call. He only had time to read the one from his dad before they had to go back to "work," so he brought home my letter unopened. We read it together last night as we snuggled on the bed for reading time before bed. As expected, my letter made him teary, even though I'd tried to make it very nonchalant. It's a good thing he didn't read it till he got home. It might have only been a reminder to him how much he missed us all.

I know he'll remember this experience for the rest of his life. I wouldn't have wanted him to miss it, even though I don't think he'd do it again. He and his buddies can always talk about how cold and wet they were, but it will always be a shared experience. He did well.

Separation Anxiety

The Science Fair was Friday night. I thought "our" project turned out beautifully, but only received a "Participant" ribbon. No "Superior" or "Judges Award" for us. I was more disappointed than he was. He was more interested in playing on the jungle gym outside the auditorium with his friends at nighttime in the dark! Oh, the adventure!

On our way home I took him to In-n-Out Burger for a treat. He had a plain cheeseburger: just a bun, meat and cheese. He liked it at first, but then said it made him "feel weird." Not a big meat-eater, my sensitive boy. I ended up eating the last third of the burger, even though I certainly didn't need the calories. Can't let food go to waste!

Now that the Science Fair is in the rear-view mirror, the next big event coming at us is the Age of Sail field trip. His entire 5th grade class is going to San Francisco, to spend the night on the Balclutha sailing ship. It's anchored at the Hyde Street Pier across the street from Ghirardelli Square. He's never been away from home overnight without Mom and Dad, so this is a very big deal. We've known about this since the beginning of the school year and at first the very idea of him being away from us overnight terrified me (What would he eat? What if he has a meltdown? What if he totally freaks out when we're two hours away and can't immediately come and get him?). My husband always just says, "He'll just have to deal." What if he can't deal? How will I deal?

We never got around to having that sleepover with a friend to practice being away overnight (I'm such a bad mommy!), but I'm a lot more comfortable with the whole thing now. His teacher has done a very good job of preparing them to live on a boat for 24 hours, and he's actually excited about it. His class has been divided into crews: Galley Crew, Deckhand Crew, Boat Crew, Rigger Crew, Bo'sun Crew. He's part of the Bo'suns, which has to do with tying knots or something. They have to eat "authentic" food and stand watches during the night. They will sleep on the inside deck of the ship and listen to the night sounds of San Francisco Bay. They will have adult chaperones, but the adults are only there to observe and keep people from getting injured.

They're supposed to be "going back in time," experiencing what it was like to live on a sailing ship a hundred years ago. All the parents were asked to write letters, which will be delivered by the Captain at Mail Call. I got teary writing mine, imagining him reading his letter far from home, without me for the first time. I got teary imagining him getting teary and homesick reading my letter. Tried to be offhand and casual, but is this letter thing really a good idea for a sensitive child who tends to over-react to things? Hopefully my letter won't be the thing that precipitates a panic attack and reminds him that he's far from Mom and Dad and won't be able to sneak into our room in the middle of the night.

I know I'm being silly, especially when you think of all the mothers whose boys and girls are far from home for much longer periods of time. I can't even think about mothers and fathers of soldiers in Iraq and Afganistan without getting teary. But I'm sure those of you with children with special issues understand the worry of not knowing what's going to be a problem for a child whose brain is wired differently. Sometimes the unexpected is the problem. Children on the autism spectrum don't do surprises all that well.

At the moment, he's very excited about riding on a bus for the very first time (except, as he reminded me, that one time at Disneyland from the hotel to the park and back again). He's excited about being in the same crew with his very best friend, William (thank you, Mrs. Dresser!). I'm trying to keep a brave face on and talk about how much fun he's going to have and how he'll remember this experience with his friends for the rest of his life! (Please, God, don't let me cry when I say goodbye to him on Tuesday morning!)

We get to pack his bag this afternoon with the things he'll need on his trip, mostly a change of dry clothes in case he gets wet from the ocean or the weather. They're all taking their bags to school tomorrow to make sure they didn't forget to pack anything (what a great idea!).

I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm sure he'll have a wonderful time. Our house is going to be awfully quiet Tuesday night, though. And I'll have my cell phone by my side the entire time. I'll let you know how it goes.